But why is it that when we find ourselves at odds with another person, we so often end up labeling the other person with disparaging epithets? In particular, I find that often this happens:
- If I don't see what the other person sees, then I am called blind (or worse)
- If I see something the other person does not see, then I am called gullible (or worse)
Maybe I am, but maybe it's the other person who is on the wrong side of the coin. So, why not stick to the argument and present our perspectives? Why go ad hominem?
Lest I confuse you, I am not saying that I do not do this also. I have done it and, despite my efforts, I will probably do it again.
What I am asking is why? And is there something good about it? If not, what can we do to avoid this behaviour?
I think many people lack the ability to try and see things from a different perspective. And that is fair, especially if you feel very strongly about something. I think there is great value in being able to think outside your box (for lack of a better phrase). As a stubborn person myself, I sometimes struggle with this too. I think it makes for a better conversation however if you really put in an effort to try and understand why a person with opposing views as yours, thinks the way they do. Perhaps there is information they know that you don't that makes them think in a different way. I am studying philosophy right now (something I was surprise to find I highly enjoy), and there are many questions similar to these. In my opinion, it is better to go into a conversation ignorant than trying to be wise. Proving a point or defending your position on a topic doesn't need to get unpleasant. I personally really enjoy talking about different viewpoints on certain issues (namely, morals and religion). Some people don't. I also think many cannot handle it because their view are so solid and they leave little room for learning and critical thinking.
ReplyDeleteI think that people end up going ad hominem because they've already forgotten and lost respect for the person for some time and end up expressing this verbally. From my experiences, our natural way of having conversations with people who don't share our same views is completely backwards to the way that has a chance of actually working without people getting upset, which is as follows:
ReplyDelete1. Respect the other person. This is a fundamental basis of all meanginful conversation that must be continually renewed.
2. Be interested first in who they are and in what they believe. Don't try to find arguments against their beliefs while they are explaining them. Just try to understand completely where they are coming from. Just like when we try to understand Japanese customs we respect them and don't criticize them, similarly we should first try to fully comprehend the ideological world that the other person lives in.
3. Look for the similarities, not the differences. Agree whenever you can agree. Don't disagree for now. Now is the time to understand the other person.
3. Stop the conversation there. No rebuttal (only respectful questions for clarification). Just thank the person for taking the time to share their thoughts with you.
4. Repeat the above steps until there the relationship and respect is strong enough that it can overcome the difficulties inherent in emtionally-laden conversations (like religion).
5. Wait to talk about your beliefs until they ask you for it. This will tell you that they are now open and ready to truly hear what you have to say. Plus by this time they have an example given by you how to listen without giving a rebuttal and simply with the goal of trying to understand.
I don't think you can properly explain a foreign concept to someone without first understanding where they are at. If I explain the cellular mechanisms that lead to digestion to a five year old, I've lost their attention, interest, and respect at the word "cholecystekinin".
7. Be quick to ask for forgiveness if you are getting upset. Be quick to forgive the other. Admit to yourself and the other person when you are getting upset and take a break. No good conversation can happen when emotions are running high. Listen to yourself and keep your emotions in check.
8. Return to step 1 if anything goes awry. The conversation cannot continue until respect is re-established.
That third step is the tough one, isn't it?
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